drwat Got on with Mr. Robert Williams (SSA648239) who ran the usual script. Gave me my case # and warrant #, explained about the car and finding drugs, etc... but I guess he forgot to do the asset verification stuff and passed me on to the DEA without doing it. The DEA guy just said his name was Richard, and instantly started complaining about my phone sounding like it was on speaker. It wasn't. I guess he then realized that he didn't have any info from the asset verification stuff, so he passed me back to Mr. Williams to complete.
He then goes about completing the asset verification stuff (mostly). This is for granny Alice, a 70 year old who lives alone in her modest home in Nevada. She tells him that she doesn't have a car, but does have a motorcycle and a bicycle which is what she uses the most. Only one bank, with a combined account that is like a checking account that draws interest like a savings account. I am amazed ad how they just can't seem to grasp that concept and continue to ask what is in checking and savings separately. Anyway, he asked how much she had in the bank and emphasis was placed on the word "Bank" in her reply: "In the BANK, oh my, I'd say probably around $300". He didn't ask about renting/owning the house, retirement accounts, or any of that other stuff they normally do - then tells Granmy to wait a moment and puts her on hold.
Here is the funny part. I guess scamming $300 from an old lady wasn't worth their effort, so he gets on the phone and says "Ok mamm, you are all set. We realize that it is not you we are looking for and you are not guilty of any of the crimes. You are just a victim of identity theft, so we will go ahead and fill out the paperwork removing your name from this case.". Wow. So Granny asked "Oh, that is wonderful... does that mean that I don't have to worry about anything happening to my money, either in the bank or what I have here at home?". He said "Yes mamm, that is correct... you only have $300 in the bank. Did you say you have money with you at home?".
"Yes dear, I keep it under my mattress because I really don't trust banks. I only keep enough in the bank to cover the checks I may write and keep the rest safe with me here at home".
You can hear the gears in his head squeaking. "Mamm, you have money with you at home? How much do you have with you". She Replies, "Lets see, I believe last time I checked, it was just over $30,000 in cash and almost a pound of gold. But that doesn't matter now, thank you for straightening out the paperwork and fixing this horrible mess for me, I really do appreciate all of you hard work and effort on my behalf. Please have a great day and thank you so much once again.". He kind of went into panic mode and said "Oh, wait - can you please hold the line while...." just before Granny hung up on him ;)